Change is something I've been pondering lately. How does it happen and why? How do we ready ourselves for change and what do we do when we're in the midst of huge life-changing events? I felt truly transformed after Rachel gave birth. It was huge for me. Watching her working and working alongside her. I came home charged with new energy and conviction. I felt like a new me. Now, I feel a bit angsty...as if the energy is gone leaving me without the drive to be, "the new me," and yet knowing too much to continue being the old me.
My mother has been reading a lot from a book called, Motherless Daughters. In it, the author writes about daughters whose mothers are particularly strong (like my mother) having issues knowing who they are and what opinions to have when amongst people outside the family circle. Because they always deferred to their mother to know how to feel about things; when they don't have their mother around they become lost and don't know what to say or do.
I used to think I was wishy-washy. I became just like whatever dominant personality was around. Of course, it made it very easy in social circles to get along and be liked. But, whenever a deeper relationship began I found it hard to maintain my sense of identity. I hadn't been acting like my true self. In fact, I really had no idea what my true self looked like! Growing up, I knew I wanted to be like my mom. Now, I realize that desire stemmed from a deep desire to be safe. Mom was our safety--the only true and steady constant in our lives. Now, I think I need to go back and dig deep within to figure out what parts of my personality I have chosen out of a true desire to express myself and what parts are based on a fear of losing this supposed safety.
Becoming who we are and who we're meant to be requires change. Change doesn't happen easily. I know I keep praying that I will be open to change in order to grow closer to God and to my true self. And yet, when faced with these irritating in-between times, I doubt that this is really a good and helpful process. I doubt God.
At Rachel's birth, I saw who I would like to become. God gave me a glimpse of a me that I can become. I naively thought that change could happen instantaneously. I realize now, that in order to realize that glimpse of myself I need to put in a lot more effort. There is no complete rest in this life. There are temporary rest stops--those blissful breaks after a long hard climb, but then ultimately we have to keep on trekking...so here I go.
