I've been toying around with an idea for a while now. The idea is that in order for each individual person to live a fulfilled life we must act in the present as if we already have everything we need. Notice I used the word, "fulfilled" and not "complete" or "happy." I mean that if we are to achieve a sense of peace and fulfillment in the here and now, then we need to act this way. Finding happiness and completeness require different mentalities...(at least I imagine that to be the case) Back to fulfillment.
I believe I am a person subject to a "grass is always greener" mindset. When things are going well I feel a sense of fulfillment and peace, but when things start getting rocky, rather then deepening my sense of fulfillment and peace I find myself scrambling to come up with what is invariably missing and therefore responsible for my lack of fulfillment and peace. Wow, that was a complex sentence! I'm not even sure it made any sense!! Let's see if I can break it down any...
When I am feeling fulfilled, I think deep down I believe that it is because I have everything I need--meaning possessions. When I stop feeling fulfilled, I try to remedy that situation by finding some possession that will bring back my sense of fulfillment. So, basically, I have started and ended with a completely false premise. The premise being that fulfillment comes from the possessions we have or don't have.
If we flip that premise on its head and decide that God knows what we need and will make sure we get it, then fulfillment becomes something we choose to accept or not depending on our level of faith and not on what we actually have or don't have. This isn't to say that we just sit back and wait for God to bring us what we need. I still think that our own initiative and choice is very much involved in the process. However, it is our state of fulfillment that shouldn't be changing with the wind, so to speak.
Another idea...God will bring us what we truly need only when we have decided that we have everything we need. If this is true, then our state of mind is critically important. And we're back to the beginning. We must act as though we have everything we need. Once we accomplish this then our sense of fulfillment and peace deepens. As our fulfillment becomes more settled, God brings us something new and wonderful--what we truly need. Which invariably brings us to another period of feeling unfulfilled (aka uncomfortable simply because it is something new and most often unexpected) and then we must push ourselves once again to believe that God has given us all that we need. And the circle continues with us hopefully growing stronger and stronger in our faith and deeper in a sense of peace and fulfillment.
I have everything I need.
Me.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Keep on trekking...
Change is something I've been pondering lately. How does it happen and why? How do we ready ourselves for change and what do we do when we're in the midst of huge life-changing events? I felt truly transformed after Rachel gave birth. It was huge for me. Watching her working and working alongside her. I came home charged with new energy and conviction. I felt like a new me. Now, I feel a bit angsty...as if the energy is gone leaving me without the drive to be, "the new me," and yet knowing too much to continue being the old me.
My mother has been reading a lot from a book called, Motherless Daughters. In it, the author writes about daughters whose mothers are particularly strong (like my mother) having issues knowing who they are and what opinions to have when amongst people outside the family circle. Because they always deferred to their mother to know how to feel about things; when they don't have their mother around they become lost and don't know what to say or do.
I used to think I was wishy-washy. I became just like whatever dominant personality was around. Of course, it made it very easy in social circles to get along and be liked. But, whenever a deeper relationship began I found it hard to maintain my sense of identity. I hadn't been acting like my true self. In fact, I really had no idea what my true self looked like! Growing up, I knew I wanted to be like my mom. Now, I realize that desire stemmed from a deep desire to be safe. Mom was our safety--the only true and steady constant in our lives. Now, I think I need to go back and dig deep within to figure out what parts of my personality I have chosen out of a true desire to express myself and what parts are based on a fear of losing this supposed safety.
Becoming who we are and who we're meant to be requires change. Change doesn't happen easily. I know I keep praying that I will be open to change in order to grow closer to God and to my true self. And yet, when faced with these irritating in-between times, I doubt that this is really a good and helpful process. I doubt God.
At Rachel's birth, I saw who I would like to become. God gave me a glimpse of a me that I can become. I naively thought that change could happen instantaneously. I realize now, that in order to realize that glimpse of myself I need to put in a lot more effort. There is no complete rest in this life. There are temporary rest stops--those blissful breaks after a long hard climb, but then ultimately we have to keep on trekking...so here I go.
My mother has been reading a lot from a book called, Motherless Daughters. In it, the author writes about daughters whose mothers are particularly strong (like my mother) having issues knowing who they are and what opinions to have when amongst people outside the family circle. Because they always deferred to their mother to know how to feel about things; when they don't have their mother around they become lost and don't know what to say or do.
I used to think I was wishy-washy. I became just like whatever dominant personality was around. Of course, it made it very easy in social circles to get along and be liked. But, whenever a deeper relationship began I found it hard to maintain my sense of identity. I hadn't been acting like my true self. In fact, I really had no idea what my true self looked like! Growing up, I knew I wanted to be like my mom. Now, I realize that desire stemmed from a deep desire to be safe. Mom was our safety--the only true and steady constant in our lives. Now, I think I need to go back and dig deep within to figure out what parts of my personality I have chosen out of a true desire to express myself and what parts are based on a fear of losing this supposed safety.
Becoming who we are and who we're meant to be requires change. Change doesn't happen easily. I know I keep praying that I will be open to change in order to grow closer to God and to my true self. And yet, when faced with these irritating in-between times, I doubt that this is really a good and helpful process. I doubt God.
At Rachel's birth, I saw who I would like to become. God gave me a glimpse of a me that I can become. I naively thought that change could happen instantaneously. I realize now, that in order to realize that glimpse of myself I need to put in a lot more effort. There is no complete rest in this life. There are temporary rest stops--those blissful breaks after a long hard climb, but then ultimately we have to keep on trekking...so here I go.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
A Baby is Born...and a whole lot more!
Wow. There is so much I want to write about that it's hard to decide where to start! I think I need to have several sub-headings to keep it all straight... To begin with, my sister gave birth to her son a few days ago. During the course of her labor a whole lot more than just a baby was in the process of being born.
FATHERS:
I'm going to take a minute and write about men in general, and fathers in particular. My husband, Mircea is my strength. When he is around I feel calm, centered and also energized. During my labors, I needed him right with me at all times. He didn't need to do or say anything--I just needed to hang onto him. It was the same for my sister and her husband. He was right next to her the whole time. Anytime we offered to let him rest, he refused, prefering to stay with his wife. It was an, "if she can do it so can I," type of attitude :) The rest of us women, her sisters and mother and midwives, all made sure that she drank, ate, stayed positive and let the contractions do their good work. We each had our roles and they played out beautifully. The man's role is quieter, but no less vital. Men are strong and focused. When asked to do something, they do it, and they do it well. I am so proud of the men in my life--my husband and my brother-in-law. They are true warriors--proud, strong, and incredibly self-sacrificing for those they love.
MOTHERS:
Women are way different from men. We're louder, for one thing :) Our feelings and emotions make us at once more exciting and joyful, but they can also make us prone to self-pity and self-centeredness. I think we are by nature giving creatures. Our emotions are very strong, however, and make it almost impossible for us to not pay attention to them--which means we have to constantly turn inward to listen to our feelings. Sometimes our feelings help us to act lovingly and generously toward others, and sometimes our feelings help us to get angry or frustrated. With my second daughter, Tess, I decided to be proactive and to not let my emotions get the better of me. During labor, rather than greeting each contraction with, "Oh God no, not another one!" attitude, (which was what I had with my first labor) I used words like, "Yes!" and "Come on baby. Mama wants you." I told Tess how much I loved her and I asked for her to help me bring her out safely. I can't tell you how much that positive work did for me. After Tess was born, I could not stop smiling. I was floating on happy mommy feelings for days afterwards.
So, armed with that experience I helped my sister do the same thing for her labor. It worked the same way--even though her labor was at least 9 times longer than mine (60 hours!!!). She talked to her son. And, even though she was feeling pain--it hurt a lot; she focused all her energy and strength on her baby boy. She called him, "darling." She told him she loved him. She reassured him that he was safe, and encouraged him to, "wiggle down," and "come out!" They worked together, and despite the odds, she was able to give birth vaginally, something she very much wanted. She still has this ridiculously huge smile on her face, and both she and her husband agree that they have never been happier in their lives. Now, is that something you would expect to hear from a woman and her husband after 60 hours of labor??
I think the lesson we both learned from our labors was that even though we women have strong emotions, we don't have to be slaves to them. We can change how we feel based on what is important to us. It is a very beautiful and empowering thought.
FATHERS:
I'm going to take a minute and write about men in general, and fathers in particular. My husband, Mircea is my strength. When he is around I feel calm, centered and also energized. During my labors, I needed him right with me at all times. He didn't need to do or say anything--I just needed to hang onto him. It was the same for my sister and her husband. He was right next to her the whole time. Anytime we offered to let him rest, he refused, prefering to stay with his wife. It was an, "if she can do it so can I," type of attitude :) The rest of us women, her sisters and mother and midwives, all made sure that she drank, ate, stayed positive and let the contractions do their good work. We each had our roles and they played out beautifully. The man's role is quieter, but no less vital. Men are strong and focused. When asked to do something, they do it, and they do it well. I am so proud of the men in my life--my husband and my brother-in-law. They are true warriors--proud, strong, and incredibly self-sacrificing for those they love.
MOTHERS:
Women are way different from men. We're louder, for one thing :) Our feelings and emotions make us at once more exciting and joyful, but they can also make us prone to self-pity and self-centeredness. I think we are by nature giving creatures. Our emotions are very strong, however, and make it almost impossible for us to not pay attention to them--which means we have to constantly turn inward to listen to our feelings. Sometimes our feelings help us to act lovingly and generously toward others, and sometimes our feelings help us to get angry or frustrated. With my second daughter, Tess, I decided to be proactive and to not let my emotions get the better of me. During labor, rather than greeting each contraction with, "Oh God no, not another one!" attitude, (which was what I had with my first labor) I used words like, "Yes!" and "Come on baby. Mama wants you." I told Tess how much I loved her and I asked for her to help me bring her out safely. I can't tell you how much that positive work did for me. After Tess was born, I could not stop smiling. I was floating on happy mommy feelings for days afterwards.
So, armed with that experience I helped my sister do the same thing for her labor. It worked the same way--even though her labor was at least 9 times longer than mine (60 hours!!!). She talked to her son. And, even though she was feeling pain--it hurt a lot; she focused all her energy and strength on her baby boy. She called him, "darling." She told him she loved him. She reassured him that he was safe, and encouraged him to, "wiggle down," and "come out!" They worked together, and despite the odds, she was able to give birth vaginally, something she very much wanted. She still has this ridiculously huge smile on her face, and both she and her husband agree that they have never been happier in their lives. Now, is that something you would expect to hear from a woman and her husband after 60 hours of labor??
I think the lesson we both learned from our labors was that even though we women have strong emotions, we don't have to be slaves to them. We can change how we feel based on what is important to us. It is a very beautiful and empowering thought.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Where I Am Now.
Ok. I guess I'll start by writing a bit about where I am now, and what I mean by titling my blog, An Orthodox Life. Sounds a bit pretentious, doesn't it? I think what I mean is that it's more of a goal than a reality. I want to live a truthful life. I want to live a right life. Being Orthodox to me means being truthful--following Truth.
At the moment my two daughters and husband are taking naps...oops my baby is up! Forgive me if all my posts are a bit disjointed--the life of a mother with two small children!!
At the moment my two daughters and husband are taking naps...oops my baby is up! Forgive me if all my posts are a bit disjointed--the life of a mother with two small children!!
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